Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
