WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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