Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
