If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
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I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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