So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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