I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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