So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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