I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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