ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
