An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
