I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
