when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
