i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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