Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
