This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
