all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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