I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
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By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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