I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
