Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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