I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
