You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
