that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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