This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
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He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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