rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
