i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
