Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
