Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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