The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
