you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
