so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
