I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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