I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
