Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
