i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
