all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What a dumb baby whore.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
