I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
