Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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