Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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