glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
