I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have fence marks all over my body
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