i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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