I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
