this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He kissed a someone with a penis
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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