the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
