I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
