He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
