YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
