he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
