We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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