he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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