We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
