Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
