i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
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I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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