Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
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but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
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My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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