my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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