She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
