Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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