Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
