I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
