I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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