I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
